SOME INITIAL THOUGHTS ON PLANNING A WEDDING

There is a ton of stuff to do. More than you could have possibly expected. And it’s all up to you--even if you are not a person that has organized anything apart from a DVD marathon of “The Commish” accompanied by some pizza bagels.

Your vision of a laid back thing where everybody is chill and barefoot and there are tons of fireflies and wildflowers and maybe some animated fireworks a la that one scene from Lord of the Rings and just a tad bit of ecstasy is maybe not what other people were picturing and also probably impossible.

Unfortunately, you are not an anime character that can get married under a dewy fern.

Newsflash: the movie Father of the Bride does not stand up to the test of time.

Newsflash: GET ORGANIZED!

Calling a Save the Date card an STD and saying “I’m going to send you an STD,” might be funny to you, but it’s not really considered cutting edge humor in wedding planning circles anymore.

I still haven’t decided between Pachelbel’s Canon, or Wilson Phillips’ “Hold On” for walking down the isle. (But we do know that when my maid of honor appears the music is immediately going to shift to the Seinfeld theme song).

Eighteen Reasons Why Mothers Hate Their Babies

1. Babies stink.
2. Babies are crybabies.
3. Babies are cliquish and mothers feel excluded.
4. Mothers have 99 problems and babies are all of them.
5. Babies never compliment their mothers when they get new haircuts.
6. Babies are so insecure about how their mothers feel about THEM that they never step up and express their own feelings to their mothers.
7. Babies always want ponies and mothers can't keep buying ponies all the time.
8. Babies have little mustaches that freak their mothers out.
9. Babies remind mothers of when they were babies, and that makes them miss THEIR mothers.
10. Babies are disgusting little snotfaces.
11. Babies are so little that mothers sometimes eat them by accident.
12. Whenever mothers put babies in a cardboard box, they always misplace the box and then everybody gets angry at them, and they get angry at themselves.
13. Babies create all kinds of uncomfortable feelings and mothers wonder why they thought that having a baby was the answer to how to get rid of other uncomfortable feelings that they had before they had the baby, which are gone now, but are replaced by all these new shitty uncomfortable feelings.
14. Babies don't really totally appreciate the whole milk thing.
15. Babies are always suing their mothers in court and it gets embarrassing.
16. Babies wear little trenchcoats all the time.
17. Mothers want to teach babies how to do sit-ups and babies are like, later - but they never get around to it.
18. Babies get up in the middle of the night and help themselves to whatevers in the fridge.

People and Things I Should Thank in the Acknowledgments of my Dissertation

Snarf from Thundercats

Every member of Wu-Tang; Raekwon and Ghostface get their own paragraphs

Every member of the Rolling Stones except Mick, hey Mick, fuck you if you’re reading this

Several of my married friends’ ex-girlfriends

Four very special golden retrievers (y’all know who you are)

Earl “The Pearl” Monroe

Doris “Kearns” Goodwin

Scarface (the movie and the rapper, separately)

Nicole Brown Simpson

O.J. Simpson

White drugs

Donkey Kong (the ape, NOT the game)

William Faulkner and Eazy-E, together forever

Various superheroes (TBD)

Future wife (Rashida Jones? TBD)

Whoever assassinates will.i.am

Malcolm Gladwell

Whoever assassinates Malcolm Gladwell

Pinchy the lobster

Bitey the possum

Brother Mouzone

The dude who invented books (Shakespeare? Double-check this)

All dinosaurs (individually or as a group?)

My parents

Purple drank

Overheard In The Conference Room At Lunch

Hey, Lisa.

Hey, Kathleen.

Mind if I sit down?

No, please, go right ahead.

That looks good. Is that a salad?

Yeah, it’s a salad. I’m in a salad phase.

That’s great. That’s healthy.

Did you eat lunch?

No, I’m in like a starving myself phase.

Ha! Good for you.

I’m not even trying to lose weight, I’m just like crazily stressed. And drinking too much coffee.

Why are you so stressed?

Same old shit. Too many projects. Too many deadlines.

Yeah, I hear that.

Pause.

At the same time: So what are you working on? // I was just listening to NPR –

Sorry. Go ahead.

No – you go.

No – I was just gonna talk about boring work stuff. You go. NPR?

Yeah, All Things Considered. And there was this piece about the Chicago airport.

O’Hare?

Yeah. O’Hare.

Okay.

And I don’t even know why it caught my attention, because I’ve never been to Chicago, and I don’t care about it at all, but for some reason it was interesting to me.

Okay.

It was about the O’Hare Modernization Program. Have you heard about this?

Shrugs.

Okay, well it’s like this multi-phase, multi-billion dollar expansion plan for the airport that was started in like 2004 or something, before the economy tanked, and it had the full support of the airlines or whatever, but now the two biggest airlines, United and American, are suing the city of Chicago to stop them from going forward into the completion phase of the project. Because the airlines say that now that the economy is shitty, they can’t afford to put up the money for the project. But the city is like, no, this is the time when we should go ahead with the project, because we need jobs, and construction costs are low, and anyway this was the plan and we should go ahead with the plan. But the airlines are suing them. So now it’s gonna get all tied up in court.

Pause.

Huh.

Like I said, I don’t know why this was interesting to me. But it was. For some reason.

Long pause.

Are you gonna eat that beet?

What?

That beet.

Oh – no. I hate beets.

Can I have it?

Sure. But – I’m sick.

You’re sick?

I have a cold. I’m getting over it but I still have it.

Do you think I’ll get sick if I eat your beet?

Probably, if you use my fork.

Okay, I won’t use your fork.

Okay then – help yourself.

Thanks.

Chewing.

Well, I gotta get back to my desk.

Me too – ugh.

Nice chatting with you, Kathleen.

You too, Lisa.

At the door.

Are you coming?

Uh – yeah – I think I’m just gonna space out here for a minute.

Okay.

Gotta take a break. Clear my head a little.

Sure.

Think about airports.

Ha. Okay – see ya.

Later.

Most Surreal Aspects of the Body Smack That Takes Place Between Sandra Bullock And Ryan Reynolds In THE PROPOSAL

The fact that they are both completely naked. The fact that she is so much older than him. The fact that it is supposed to be funny, but feels like a serious moment in an avant-garde performance piece. The fact that their bodies hit each other so hard. The fact that it makes a sound. The fact that the choreography has to be twisted in order to prevent us seeing any of their genitals. The fact that we see their asses. The fact that Bullock has so much junk in the trunk. The fact that the dog's name is "Kevin". The fact that her face squishes up like she's tasting mortality as she skids down his bare, sweaty chest. The fact that she's just gotten out of the shower, and he's just about to take a shower, so he is dirty, and she is clean. The fact that after his workout he took his boxers off on the balcony while listening to his iPod, even though he was well aware that they were sharing a room. The fact that they are lying to his family. The fact that Betty White plays his Native American grandmother. The fact that Sandra Bullock's face is so busted. The fact that Ryan Reynolds's face is so random. The fact that these two people, formerly boss and assistant, now presenting a sham marriage in order to avoid her deportation to Canada, are, against all odds, and triggered to some degree by this body smack, definitely going to fall in love.