Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Full Body Scanning Doesn't Bother Me AT ALL

American airports may start using full body scanning technologies to detect and prevent terrorism. In other words, airport workers will, with the use of machines, have access to imagery of my full, naked body. Some, such as the ACLU, say this constitutes an egregious violation of privacy laws. But full body scanning doesn't bother me AT ALL.

In fact, I have often wished for more ways to expose my body in public. Especially to airport workers, who, I have noticed, are often squat and tough in a way that makes me want them to not only scan my body, but to maybe take home a printout of that scan and touch themselves later while looking at it in the, yes, Privacy of their cold apartment.

Let's face it: I have a great body. And the only way I could imagine my boobs, ass, and vagina looking any better than they look in real life, right now, as I'm posing for myself in the mirror wearing only my "thinking cap" (a turban, haha yeah right, I'm not a terrorist! - no, it's a pair of underpants I wear on my head) would be in that sexy, grainy, oh-no-you-di-int infrared glow of an airport body scanner.

Let's also face it: I'm lonely. And I certainly wouldn't mind a little "extra attention". And if that attention needs to come in the form of a super-invasive, questionably effective counter-terrorism method that slowly, and then quickly, erodes our entire sense of human decency and basic civil rights, I say, I'm "on board"!

So, to sum up, my only question about body scanning is: where do you want me to stand?!

Now let's go kill some terrorists!

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Why Is "The Situation" A Funny Nickname? (A Serious Blog Post)

"The Situation" as a name used to refer to oneself is humorous in its tautology. One's self is "The Situation": the abstract state of affairs that constitutes one's personhood, one's identity; the state of affairs into which one feels oneself to be flung, abruptly, inexplicably, without warning or ceremony. Here you are, this is your life, this is your body, deal with it: that's "The Situation".

What is comical in human beings is the discrepancy between the way one sees oneself and the way others see one. "The Situation", as a character, embodies this principle and plays it to the hilt. His nickname epitomizes this self-blindness - he uses the name (in third person, always) as if it were a badge of honor, as in: "We got ourselves a Situation right here" or "The Situation's under control" - when, in reality (or at least, from the perspective of the audience and the other people on the show, which is to say, everybody else in the world) the nickname is loaded with pathos. The Situation is not under control. The Situation is always out of control, and "The Situation" is always failing to get The Situation under control. He can't control how others see him. He can't even get a girl to call him back. He clearly, pathetically, has not gotten laid in years, even though this is his self-professed area of singular interest and achievement. The situation is, "The Situation" is pathetic.

"The Situation" is an icon of all that we cannot control or mask in ourselves. Our situation are our problems, our embarrassments, our failures - our little rodeos of pain.

Friday, January 01, 2010

Ahh 2010!!!!!

The year I lose both my feet, and have them replaced by a smaller pair!

The year I start dating Rick Moranis!

The year I live among the antelopes!

The year my dream interpretation skillz get kicked up a notch!

The year I get my period every day!

The year my new blog, Koontz In Boots, explodes onto the "World Wide Net"!

The year NPR will make a donation to me!

The year of boob science!

The year I get caught doing coke in a bathroom with Toni Morrison!

The year where it all goes down in flames!

The year I renew my vows with Chris Kattan!

The year I go viral!

The year I perfect the Japanese art of folding paper, origami!

The year I discover that my perceptions are illusions, cuz I've been living in "The Matrix"!

The year I come out!

The year we all just get along!

The year I alienate everybody thanks to my offensive new personal style, "Always In Snowpants"!

The year I join A Tribe Called Quest!

The year I am honored by an enormous statue of myself at Ground Zero!

The year I secede!

The year I finally, at age thirty, GET MY FUCKING GROOVE BACK.