Saturday, May 05, 2007

Unskinny Bop

I was listening to the Poison classic the other day and I couldn’t help but think of the first time I’d ever heard it, which was over at my friend Jessica’s house when I was 10 and still lived in Texas. Jessica’s mom was really “fun.” She smoked and was way too tan. We were eating breakfast (chewy sweet tarts and diet coke) when the song came on MTV. Jessica’s mom was walking through the room at the time, carrying a huge cordless phone, and when she heard it she stopped and became transfixed as if she had caught sight of a righteous hawk swooping down over neon blue sound dunes. She then started swaying her arms back and forth in a totally casual yet in-the-moment way that signified America and weekends. She then started whipping her hair around as if she was in the white denim center of rock and roll country where all massages lead to sex. She then pursed her lips and started jerking her shoulders back and forth as if she had just gotten her jazzport renewed at the riffpartment of motor-deathicles. Then the song ended and she kind of snapped out of it and was like, “Ya’ll girls don’t lean on mah coffee table like that.”

Corporate Names for Showering With the Person That May or May Not Be Your Boyfriend Because You Haven’t Talked About It Yet

Pantene Pro-V Intimacy Olympics
Red N’Vaulnerable Aveeno Sudz
“This Is How I Always Am In the Shower” Shower Gel
Liqui-fresh Pearljob Extra Moisturizing Body Fuck
Gasp-More TileZone
Eyelashes Stuck Together I Think I Love You Exfoliating Cream