Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I'm Sorry I Went All Single White Female On You

I'm sorry I went all Single White Female on you. Please don't move out. It really isn't necessary - it was just a phase and now it's over, I promise. I was just feeling really insecure for a while there and that's why I started to pick up your mannerisms, borrow your clothes without asking, adopt your habits and yes, attempt to seduce your fiance. I know my behavior was inappropriate and disturbing and I apologize. I've always had a tendency to idolize my girlfriends and I know I go too far sometimes and I swear to you I'm seeking help for this condition. But I don't even want to call it a "condition" because that sounds way too serious. It's really just a weakness and I believe people should be forgiven for their weaknesses and given a second chance, don't you? We've been best friends and roommates for way too long to just let it end like this. You are one of the most important people in the world to me and if I didn't care about you so much I would never have started doing my hair the way you do yours, typing my papers in the fonts you prefer, cooking with your favorite spices and mimicking the sound patterns of your speech. Look, it was fun while it lasted, and I definitely felt more confident and more attractive and maybe a little bit more "me" while I was imitating you. But it's over now, it's completely over. I'm going back to the way I was before I went all Single White Female on you. I'll pick up the pieces of my old discarded persona and put them back on like last year's winter coat. I'm not saying there won't be a twinge of regret - I'm not saying I'll never ever get the urge to sneak into your room while you're at work and put on your bra and underpants and masturbate to a picture of you with your high school boyfriend at the prom as I conjure up false memories ripped from the pages of your personal narrative! How could I promise that? That would be deceitful and I'm trying to be honest here because we're friends and friends deserve honesty. I'm not saying I won't ever wake up sweating again in the middle of the night and wander sleeplessly into the kitchen and fidn myself as dawn breaks still fondling the kitchen knives, sweating and shivering and asking myself repetitively, "Shall I do it? Shall I end this misery of vicious, vicious envy and vicious, vicious love?" I can't change who I am and who I am is a person that deeply, deeply wants to be you. But I can work on being a better friend and a better roommate and I swear to you, if you give me another chance, you will see major improvements. I know I suck. I suck I suck I suck! Oh, god, please, please forgive me! You're all I have, Veronica! Veronica ... Veronica ... Veronica ...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Places I Would Like to Visit One Day

Free Gameboyistan
Comfy Planet
Everything is a Waterbed City
The Peoples Republic of Pancakes
Houseboat Country
Prairie Dog Epi-Center
The Coast of Clean Towels
The Isles of Abortion
Crazytown (the band)
Outer Tangolia (I’m too pale)