Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Script for a Short Comedy Video

We see ALENA and NEIL at a party, engaged in small talk over cups of alcoholic punch.

One thing you don’t want to get at a party ...

A strange expression comes over ALENA’s face.

...is explosive diarrhea!

Rock music. ALENA turns and rushes out of the room.

Cut to: ALENA lying in bed with the covers pulled up to her chin. NEIL enters.

Did you just poop in my bed?

ALENA gives him a confused look.

Did you just poop in my fucking bed?!


NEIL snaps his fingers. Dance music. Disco lights. NEIL dances.

Dance with me!

I can’t!

Dance with me, bitch! This is a party!

I can’t, Neil! I can’t!

(Still dancing.) You wanna ruin my party? Dance!

ALENA “dances” with NEIL without getting out of the bed.

End of scene.

The Fruits of the Land in My Hand

It was getting dark, and I was having trouble finding a radio station with a strong signal, and I hadn't seen another car for almost an hour. There was a package of Reeses' Peanut Butter Cups on the passenger seat, and I reached for it. I sluiced open the wrapper with my thumbnail and popped a cup in my Mouth. My teeth broke the skein of chocolate and the insides frothed across my Tongue like a velveteen tumbler. In another hour I'd make Texas.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Comment on the Last Post

OMG LOL LMAO!!! WTF?!?! umm.... NO YOU DIDNT. no you did NOT write a blog post about getting your period. HELLO DATZ NASTEEEEE!!! way to make me gag on my coffee. grrrr....coffeee...grrrr.... NEED MORE COFFEE!!! LOL. but seriously thank you so much for that post. even though i think periods are disgusting, i think that it's great that we should be talking about them. i respect you for coming out and saying what you had to say. i respect you for this but OMG GROSS. like srsly, way to make me sh*t my pants with that last post. ZOMG!!!

Friday, April 17, 2009

The Blood of Evermore

When I get my period, I nail a piece of cloth to a tree. Then the noorhawk sounds its call, and the eastern visigoths storm the misty moors. After that, it starts to rain fire as the pale sirens perform their pagan dance in their ancient druid coven. The sleeping oracle will sigh and turn in her bed, and then all of the fireflies in the whole world will light up at the same time, making the earth into a beautiful aquarium of light. All the faces of all the clergy in Christendom will turn to linen, peaceful as just made beds. On the fifth day, when the tides are up, the ocean will stop in time. I will wonder down into the dry sea bed and eternity will be revealed to me as frankly as the rings on the inside of a tree. When the moon rises I will forget everything I’ve learned, until approximately one month from now…

Monday, April 06, 2009

How I Got Over My Boyfriend

I remember the day when I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me. I tried to make out with him in my black convertible but he pushed me away. So I punched him in the face, kicked him out of the car, and drove away leaving him in the dust.

Then my car broke down on the side of the highway so I got out and changed out of my flirty floral dress into a wifebeater and jean shorts. I walked away, leaving behind everything I had left.

Next I went to a diner, mysteriously having changed into a sleeveless plaid flannel vest of sorts over a pink t-shirt. At the diner, a pretty hot guy made eyes at me, and I sort of glared-slash-pouted at him like, dude, you don't even KNOW. He got up and came towards me and I thought maybe we were going to go around back and hook up (like me and my boyfriend used to do) but no, instead, he grabbed my neon backpack and took off! I had to chase him down the street till I caught up to him and kicked him in the chest and silently mouthed "Asshole" and walked away with my bag. This episode didn't really add anything to the overall arc of my experience, it was just an irritating nuisance on top of everything that had already happened to me.

But I guess it sort of pushed me to the edge because next thing I knew, I was standing with my back to the sky on a highway overpass in a long-sleeve flannel and some rather baggy jeans and doc martens, balancing there on my heels as the cops gathered beneath me and everybody (me included) wondered if I was gonna jump.

My stupid fucking craphead boyfriend came up to try and get me to come down. He made this little "come-hither" gesture with his stupid hand like "come on, this is silly, just get down" and all I could think was, you asshole, you used to finger me with that hand, and by the way in case you didn't notice I have the shiniest, straightest, most awesome hair ever and it is now blowing in the wind all around me as I ponder whether or not to end this misery. And my heels teetered father towards the edge.

And then - I did it. I fell back and fell off the overpass and there was nothing holding onto me anymore - I was in free fall. And my boyfriend was like whoa.

And then all of a sudden out of nowhere there was a bungee cord attached to me and it stopped me in mid-air. And I was hanging by this cord, dangling over the highway, and I looked up at my boyfriend and gave him the finger, like fuck you. And just then I realized I was over it.

But I will just say this:

There was a time
When I was so broken hearted
Love wasn't much of a friend of mine
The tables have turned, yeah
Cause me and them ways have parted
That kind of love was the killin' kind
Now listen
All I want is someone I can't resist
I know all I need to know by the way that I got kissed

I was cryin' when I met you
Now I'm tryin' to forget you
Love is sweet misery
I was cryin' just to get you
Now I'm dyin' cause I let you
Do what you do - down on me

Now there's not even breathin' room
Between pleasure and pain
Yeah you cry when we're makin' love
Must be one and the same.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Speaking of the Nineties: Microsoft Encarta

There was nothing like getting a CD-ROM of Microsoft Encarta that came with your family’s new computer on Christmas morning. You could sit around in your comfortable PJs while your dad set it up, and then you and your brother could insert the mystical disc and surf tides of Knowledge (after dad’s boring tutorial wherein you learn about Harriet Tubman for the billionth time). First you might check out a short video clip of a whale cresting the water. Then you might look at a badass picture of a geode. Then, drunk and reckless on learning one of you might shout out “sedimentary rock!” before you spend the next half hour morbidly researching the holocaust. Your brother might insist on controlling the mouse and kind of elbowing you away, and that’s when you grab the mouse pad and throw it across the room like a frisbee, only to realize that the mouse still works on the raw table (duh). You check out some prism shit, some civil war stuff, a line drawing of how a hydraulic engine works. You secretly wish that Microsoft Encarta had some info on whether you can communicate telepathically with dolphins, or at least a video of two people doing it. Then you realize that you’ve broken out into a cold sweat, and it’s lunchtime. So you and your brother go upstairs and think about how maybe there’s something in Microsoft Encarta that would explain why Mom looks so tired all the time.