Sunday, December 19, 2010

Signs That Another Woman Is Jealous Of You And/Or Is Not Really A "Girl's Girl"

You have started to secretly worry that she might be prettier than you.

You have started to secretly lust after her husband.

You notice that all the girls seem to like her more than you.

You notice that all the boys seem to like her more than you.

Your "best friend" slash employee tells you that she is definitely jealous of you.

Your "second best friend" slash hired psychic tells you that she gets a strong reading that this chick is not really a "girl's girl".

You throw a dinner party to ambush her with these attacks on her character and she storms out, thus totally proving that you were right.

You feel cold inside when you picture the bridge of her very pert nose.

You can just tell.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Legitimate Excuses for Having a Dreamcatcher

Your dead best friend from summer camp made it for you.

You thought it was a huge earring.

Someone gave it to you when they thought you were homeless.

David Lynch slipped it to you through the third doorway of a velvet room.

It was part of a limited series of dreamcatchers commissioned by actress Heather Graham.

It was a present; and let's just say your Native American name is "Always Regifts".

For the past couple years, your dreams have only been set in either Payless Shoe Stores or DSW (Discount Shoe Warehouse).

You are someone's weird aunt.

It's actually a passive-aggressive gambit designed to make your boyfriend break up with you.

It was purchased during a five minute period where you envisioned yourself as an unlicensed therapist practicing out of your home.

It was purchased during a five minute period where you were trying to be super casual about the fact that Sheryl Crow was actually coming to your house.

Someone told you it could lessen the symptoms of PTSD.

Two words: street cred.