Monday, April 25, 2011

Reasons Why I Love My Cat, No. 429

His scratchy li'l tongue.

Things You Needn't Update Us About On Facebook, No. 3,419

Your sesame allergy.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Thank You For Having Me At Your Mysterious Site-Specific Theater Orgy

Hey, I just wanted to write and say thanks so much for inviting me to your awesome Eyes Wide Shut-style murder mystery performance! From the moment you handed me my mandatory mask and told me to turn my cell phone off, I had what I can honestly say was a totally okay time. It must have been exhausting for you to transform that warehouse space into something resembling an incoherent mashup of a haunted house, a Shakespearean theater, a sexy train station, and a Prohibition-era mansion - I especially loved all the little touches like the box full of the ashes of burnt rose petals, the candles with little black ribbons tied around them, and the discarded cloaks half-concealing antique metronomes! These details didn't exactly add up to a stable context, let alone a fleshed-out story, but they were fucking atmospheric as hell! And I can tell you spent a lot of time and energy rehearsing the dialogue-free but very evocative "scenes" I encountered as I moved from room to dimly lit, fog-machine-filled room. The lady washing blood off the bathtub, the cradle surrounded by a mobile of headless babies, the naked man with a Minotaur's head raving in a strobe light as a bald woman poured chocolate sauce on his cock! Again, it wasn't that I could follow any of this exactly, or that it amounted to anything like a meaningful narrative, but it definitely provided a variety of sensations that more or less filled the time while I was there! So THANKS for that! (Also please apologize to the bald lady - I didn't mean to step on her toe as I was leaving the dusty library with all the taxidermied quails - it was just super dark in there, plus the mask was making my face sweat so I couldn't really see where I was going! And I was distracted by the black ink she was spilling down her boobs!)

Anyway, it's obvious you went to a hell of a lot of trouble setting this whole thing up, like I can't imagine where you got all those crucifixes, or those old-fashioned baby carriages - or how you convinced so many people to take their clothes off in front of a creepily masked crowd. It certainly wasn't the kind of thing I experience every day, that's for sure. It was a lot more suggestive and at the same time made a lot less sense. Regular life with its "actions" and "consequences", its banal, mundane "arguments", "events", and "relationships", just doesn't compare to a place where around every corner you just might find, for no comprehensible reason, a silent, slow-moving, wondrously sort of ghostly naked feast! Thanks so much for including me in this sexy mood type thing - it will definitely be a few days before I forget all about it!

Monday, April 04, 2011

What Not To Comment On Someone's Facebook Wedding Photos

"OMG - so cute! I wonder which one of you will end up dying first?"

"You guys look nervous! Are you questioning your decision?"

"Good luck with your sex life!"

"Informal FB poll: who got the shorter end of this stick, him or her?"

"Congratulations on taking full advantage of your heteronormative social privileges!"

"About time! You guys look OLD!"

"I'm still not sure about this match, but best wishes!"

"Hope she's not barren!"

"Why wasn't I invited?"

"LOL. I give it five years."