Friday, August 20, 2010

What's Wrong With Ronnie and Sammi's Relationship?

Everyone in the Jersey Shore house is acting like there is a serious problem going on between Ron and Sam. As an experienced lover myself, this baffles me. All I see going on between these two is a deep, unending, ceaselessly uprising spring of love. It's just that Ronnie and Sammi's love, like all loves, is unique. Here are some of the characteristics of their very special kind of love:

- It is often found wearing the disguise of drunken bickering, bordering on verbal and at times even physical abuse.

- Ronnie expresses his love for Sammi in three major ways: by calling her a fucking bitch on national television; by driving away in a cab and giving her the finger; and then by vomiting and passing out in her bed.

- Sammi and Ronnie need each other. Sammi needs Ronnie because she is an extremely boring and narcissistic piece of female trash. Ronnie needs Sammi because he is a mildly retarded juicehead goon with the emotional maturity of a toddler. Like Romeo and Juliet, together they are two broken pieces that add up to one whole ... something.

- This isn't about Sammi and Ron, but I just want to say that Snooki and JWoww are really amazing friends.

Mysterious Star

Celebrities are captivating people.

For me, there is one star that shines brighter than all the rest. One star that shines so bright, it sometimes feels like it’s the only point of light in the otherwise unending darkness of my life.

I have never met this shining star, but I feel like I’m closer to him than to anybody else.

How did this happen to me?

How did I, a 41-year-old woman, recently divorced, with a mid-level administrative position and a son with special needs, become a CRAIG T. NELSON GROUPIE??


• She’s late to class, and she keeps glancing at the clock.
• While giving you an adjustment in downward-facing dog, you realize that she is making a to-do list on your sacrum.
• Halfway through the class, she says it’s time to go to the wall; when you get to the wall, she says she has to pee and rushes out.
• While you’re in the classroom waiting for her to come back, you hear her yelling at the girl who works the front desk: “Where the fuck is my Lake Placid mug? That Lake Placid mug is not public property. It is for my use only.” Then, you hear the sound of a number of mugs breaking.
• She returns to the classroom muttering to herself, and wrapping gauze around one hand which is now bleeding. She throws a couple fake punches, which seem to be aimed directly at the Buddha on the altar at the front of the room.
• She says, “Let’s put some music on,” and the next thing you know the room is shaking with the tremendous sound of an oddly familiar female voice shrieking Cat Stevens covers. You realize that it is your teacher’s voice. She mutters something about how it says in the Tao Te Ching that you have to grab opportunities for exposure whenever they come.
• She gathers the class in tadasana, mountain pose, at the front of the mat. She asks everyone to be quiet for a moment. Then, dramatically, she goes to the windows of the studio and throws back the curtains. She gestures to the city outside. “You remember what happened here?” she demands. “You remember what happened here on September 11, 2001?” Everyone is silent. “Yeah,” she says. “That’s fucking karma, bitches.”

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Do you REALLY want to know why I stole it?

Here's why:

Because my nephew has LEUKEMIA.

And you're prettier than me.


Hey you, yeah, you with the "Rachel" haircut- I stole your tiny glass bear. And here's why:

Because, on a regular basis, you undermine me.
Because you ate the remaining half of my peach yogurt, even though you know my digestive system pretty much self-destructs if I don't get my daily dose of probiotics.
Because we all know you only got this job because the CEO went to Hotchkiss with your uncle. Know what I call Hotchkiss? Hotch-KISS MY PUBLIC SCHOOLED ASS.
Because you're a showoff during office yoga hour. Like shoulderstand is even that much of an advanced pose!
Because, why is it that every time there's a green binder clip or a purple felt-tip pen, they end up on your desk? WE ALL LIKE THE COLORED STUFF. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL.
Because you mocked my personal wall collection of inspirational Maya Angelou quotes and old pages from dog calendars. Sorry if I need a little magic to get me through MY day!


I saw Hillary from accounts payable eyeing it the other day. And Jenny from Human Resources walked by and asked me where I got it. When I said, “The airport in San Antonio,” I could tell she was jealous. Who wouldn’t be? It was wearing a turquoise handkerchief to signify its southwestern flair. I had considered putting it on a bean bag on the top of my computer, but I thought that might come off as a little too flashy. Instead, I gently placed it on the partition between me and Bryan’s desk. He could have knocked the partition and caused the bear to fall into this front pocket, and no one would have been the wiser. The fact remains, the bear is gone.

It could have been Faith, my boss. The other day she asked me to do something for her, and instead, I put the bear in her inbox. Apparently, not everyone thinks an adorable glass bear with some Texan ‘tude will pass for a CDC report. Anyway, it was a joke. Not something to flip out about. Not something to cause you to click your pen with concentrated violence.

I bet it was Jenny. She looks like the cat the ate the canary. She thinks she’s so special because she’s got one of those cactuses on her desk? The ones that have white hair coming out of them so that they look like total idiots? I bet she’s jealous because my little bear stole her fire. I might go and ask her about it. One of these days I’m going to find out who stole my tiny glass bear.