Friday, June 04, 2010

How To Be Late For Work

Sleep late. Hit the snooze button like it's your job (except you actually show up for this job). Luxuriate in your bed (don't you have the most amaaazing bed in the world?!?! Yes, your bed is so awesome. Your bed is the best). Have like twenty more dreams. Plan your outfit while falling back asleep again. Look at your cat - he's sleeping, and he seems really well-adjusted. Shouldn't you follow his lead? Plus it would be so mean to move and possibly wake him up. Finally, wake up due to evil construction noises outside that should honestly be illegal because noise pollution is really bad for you, like toxic, seriously, the way it affects your reptilian brain is basically like inhaling cancerous fumes, but through sound. Get out of bed and then immediately fall back into bed again. Then get up again. Go to the bathroom. Make coffee. Sit down at your desk and realize you have about twenty minutes to get ready for work. Read old journal entries for twenty-five minutes. Acknowledge, again, that you don't have it all figured out, but you're definitely noticing some subtle shifts, if not all positive, then at least positive in the sense of being shifts, which implies that nothing is static and that things do change. Turn on your Sean Paul Pandora station and close your eyes and try to remember your dreams.

Thursday, June 03, 2010


Why, I remember the first time Mr. Wilkes came ridin’ up the path to Tara, I was sitting on the porch flirting with the Tarleton boys wearin’ my best new Moroccan slippers. Even though I, Scarlett O’Hara, could have any beau in the county, I knew right then and there that Mr. Wilkes was the one I wanted. “Oh Mr. Wilkes!” I said, “How you do go on, teasin’ a little country girl like me!” Well, it wasn’t long before I was Mrs. Wilkes, the most beautiful bride in all of Georgia! Now, neither Mammy, nor my mother, the great Ellen Robillard, had told me what to expect on my wedding night. True southern ladies never discuss such things, and know how to tame a gentlemen with a peck on the cheek, a batting of the eyelashes, (or if you’re a fast girl, like Belle Fontaine, you can show them your ankle at a barbeque), which is why I was just as surprised as could be when Mr. Wilkes turned me around, put my hands against the wall, lifted up my hoop skirt and started fussin’ with my hindquarters.
“Why, Mr. Wilkes!” I said, blushing to my hairline, “What do you think you’re doing?” I craned my neck around to see that a fine sweat had developed upon his forehead.
“Mrs. Wilkes,” he said. “This may come as a shock to you, but as your husband, it is my duty to inform you that the passages of marital conjugation and baby making are…from behind.”
I continued to stare, and, wishing to spare me anymore embarrassment, like a true gentleman, he then said, “In the butt, Madam!”
“Thunderation!” I thought to myself. But then, after a moment, I did what any true lady would do, I harnessed the grit and pluck that is the very nature of my character and said, “Well, fiddle-dee-dee! If that’s the way it’s done then that’s the way it’s done! Never let it be said that Scarlett O’Hara couldn’t make a child!”
We have had many gentlemanly butt sessions and still I have not produced a baby. But as god is my witness, I’ll never give up. After all, tomorrow is another day!

The Thirteen Suckiest Beatles Albums (From Least Suckiest to Most Suckiest)

13) Magical Mystery Tour (1967) – Probably their finest moment. Blue Jay Way” is a total classic, and “I am The Walrus” is simply hilarious—as if a walrus could sing!! Lowlights include “Strawberry Fields Forever” and the first song, which sucks.

12) Please Please Me (1963) – Some fun moments but already the politics are kind of heavy-handed. “I Saw Her Standing There?” Sir John Mellencamp spins in his grave.

11) Beatles For Sale (1964) – After the commercial failures of their first three albums, the Beatles Beetles Beatles (sp????) were dropped from Capitol. This was their first album with Jermaine Dupri’s So So Def Records (dirty south!!) and let’s face it, the title gimmick worked better for Abbie Hoffman and Steal This Book. The album was even released at full price which pissed a ton of people off and further alienated the group's dwindling fanbase.

10) Rubber Soul (1965) – This album probably deserves to be ranked a lot lower but truthfully I’ve never even listened to it. Something about the British spelling of “sole” always put me off. Rule number one of show business: know your audience!

9) Abbey Road (1969) – Mmmmmmrrrrrreehhhhhhhhzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

8) Let It Be (1970) – This album generated controversy upon its released due to its title, clearly plagiarized from the Replacements’ 1984 album that has the same exact name. I know imitation is the highest form of flattery but come the fuck on.

8) With The Beatles (1963) – Hey assholes, I know your first album didn’t sell but can’t you at least put a color photograph on the front of this shit? Talk about mailing it in.

6) A Hard Day’s Night (1964) – A collection of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons covers that’s mostly remembered for its use in the soundtrack to Michelangelo Antonioni’s 1966 art-house sensation, Blowup.

5) Help! (1965) – See above.

4) Highway 61 Revisited (1965) – Not technically a "Beatles" album but rather part of an elaborate John Lennon side project called “Robert Zimmerman” or “Bob Dylan” depending on the level of Lennon’s anti-Semitism in a given period. The few people who bought this album found it predictably indulgent. “Lennon” continued touring as “Dylan” periodically until his untimely death from a heart attack in 2006.

3) Revolver (1966) – Aside from “Yellow Sub-marine,” which catapulted special guest vocalist Ringo Starr to fame as the narrator for the beloved children’s series Thomas the Tank Engine, two words best sum up this snoozer: deservedly forgotten.

2) The Beatles, or “White Album” (1968) – A double album? Are you fucking serious? This thing is an hour and a half long: for a quick comparison, that’s how long some movies are. I don’t think there’s a single person who’s listened to this monster all the way through. Hey guys, some of us have a little something called a job.

1) Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band (1967) – Yikes. Luckily for Paul McCartney this thing has been out of print for years. There’s no way Wings would have sold all those records if people knew about this!!! Again, I haven’t listened to the whole thing and precious few have, but the rumor is that the label was so embarrassed that they had them put it out under another name, hence the title. In the 1970s Peter Frampton made a movie about it, which is actually pretty good (as if we should be surprised!).

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Less Popular Board Games, Continued

In honor of Chamberlain, I hereby add to his McSweeney's List (

Super Slippery Library of Congress
Hot Pockets (The Game)
Cardboard Facebook
Jenny McCarthy's Hand-carved Chess Set
Badonk-A-Donk Junior
Scotch Tape!
Actual Murder
Spy On Mom and Dad While They're Fighting Spy Kit
Fetal Position
I Love Your New Haircut (The Game of Fake Compliments)
Who's In The Closet?
Joseph Goebbels' Propaganda Pictionary
Chicken Parts
Celebrity Domain Name Takeover
MILF Attack