Thursday, June 03, 2010

Fiddle-dee-dee!

Why, I remember the first time Mr. Wilkes came ridin’ up the path to Tara, I was sitting on the porch flirting with the Tarleton boys wearin’ my best new Moroccan slippers. Even though I, Scarlett O’Hara, could have any beau in the county, I knew right then and there that Mr. Wilkes was the one I wanted. “Oh Mr. Wilkes!” I said, “How you do go on, teasin’ a little country girl like me!” Well, it wasn’t long before I was Mrs. Wilkes, the most beautiful bride in all of Georgia! Now, neither Mammy, nor my mother, the great Ellen Robillard, had told me what to expect on my wedding night. True southern ladies never discuss such things, and know how to tame a gentlemen with a peck on the cheek, a batting of the eyelashes, (or if you’re a fast girl, like Belle Fontaine, you can show them your ankle at a barbeque), which is why I was just as surprised as could be when Mr. Wilkes turned me around, put my hands against the wall, lifted up my hoop skirt and started fussin’ with my hindquarters.
“Why, Mr. Wilkes!” I said, blushing to my hairline, “What do you think you’re doing?” I craned my neck around to see that a fine sweat had developed upon his forehead.
“Mrs. Wilkes,” he said. “This may come as a shock to you, but as your husband, it is my duty to inform you that the passages of marital conjugation and baby making are…from behind.”
I continued to stare, and, wishing to spare me anymore embarrassment, like a true gentleman, he then said, “In the butt, Madam!”
“Thunderation!” I thought to myself. But then, after a moment, I did what any true lady would do, I harnessed the grit and pluck that is the very nature of my character and said, “Well, fiddle-dee-dee! If that’s the way it’s done then that’s the way it’s done! Never let it be said that Scarlett O’Hara couldn’t make a child!”
We have had many gentlemanly butt sessions and still I have not produced a baby. But as god is my witness, I’ll never give up. After all, tomorrow is another day!

3 Comments:

Blogger heather said...

butt sessions

June 3, 2010 at 7:10 PM  
Blogger Hamilton said...

somewhere margaret mitchell just ejaculated all over her macbook

June 10, 2010 at 4:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

SAd an'>dang< Brutal!! .. anallY Me Speakin' hmmm..

February 22, 2011 at 8:46 AM  

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