Monday, April 06, 2009

How I Got Over My Boyfriend

I remember the day when I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me. I tried to make out with him in my black convertible but he pushed me away. So I punched him in the face, kicked him out of the car, and drove away leaving him in the dust.

Then my car broke down on the side of the highway so I got out and changed out of my flirty floral dress into a wifebeater and jean shorts. I walked away, leaving behind everything I had left.

Next I went to a diner, mysteriously having changed into a sleeveless plaid flannel vest of sorts over a pink t-shirt. At the diner, a pretty hot guy made eyes at me, and I sort of glared-slash-pouted at him like, dude, you don't even KNOW. He got up and came towards me and I thought maybe we were going to go around back and hook up (like me and my boyfriend used to do) but no, instead, he grabbed my neon backpack and took off! I had to chase him down the street till I caught up to him and kicked him in the chest and silently mouthed "Asshole" and walked away with my bag. This episode didn't really add anything to the overall arc of my experience, it was just an irritating nuisance on top of everything that had already happened to me.

But I guess it sort of pushed me to the edge because next thing I knew, I was standing with my back to the sky on a highway overpass in a long-sleeve flannel and some rather baggy jeans and doc martens, balancing there on my heels as the cops gathered beneath me and everybody (me included) wondered if I was gonna jump.

My stupid fucking craphead boyfriend came up to try and get me to come down. He made this little "come-hither" gesture with his stupid hand like "come on, this is silly, just get down" and all I could think was, you asshole, you used to finger me with that hand, and by the way in case you didn't notice I have the shiniest, straightest, most awesome hair ever and it is now blowing in the wind all around me as I ponder whether or not to end this misery. And my heels teetered father towards the edge.

And then - I did it. I fell back and fell off the overpass and there was nothing holding onto me anymore - I was in free fall. And my boyfriend was like whoa.

And then all of a sudden out of nowhere there was a bungee cord attached to me and it stopped me in mid-air. And I was hanging by this cord, dangling over the highway, and I looked up at my boyfriend and gave him the finger, like fuck you. And just then I realized I was over it.

But I will just say this:

There was a time
When I was so broken hearted
Love wasn't much of a friend of mine
The tables have turned, yeah
Cause me and them ways have parted
That kind of love was the killin' kind
Now listen
All I want is someone I can't resist
I know all I need to know by the way that I got kissed

I was cryin' when I met you
Now I'm tryin' to forget you
Love is sweet misery
I was cryin' just to get you
Now I'm dyin' cause I let you
Do what you do - down on me

Now there's not even breathin' room
Between pleasure and pain
Yeah you cry when we're makin' love
Must be one and the same.


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