The Highlights of my Trip to Nova Scotia

YO YO YO YO YO YOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOY. Free hoverboards. Free euros. A snack every four hours. No holds barred attitude. I started at the tip and worked my way down, wearing neon green knee-pads the whole time because the whole thing was pretty much so extreme. Things you need to do before going to Nova Scotia: check your ‘tude at the door. Here’s a tip: everyone pops snacks and knows the point. And you know what else? Everyone looks like a techno-refugee a la the movie Hackers. Peter Gabriel is from there. I visited the Haunted Wood, the Orion Lake, and the Glass Eye Mountains. I accidentally stepped on a little Indian in the Cupboard. It was lovely. If you go, be sure to turn your watch back because it’s also the seventies there. People really get into it. My favorite part was visiting the oracle. She was so beautiful. She had downy hair on her arms. She told me she knew who deep throat was. So I asked her who it was and she goes, “sike yeah right I don’t know.”

Excerpt from the episode of Sex and the City where Carrie is in Kindergarten

EXT. PLAYGROUND.

CARRIE: [VOICE-OVER] As I slid down the tube-slide at recess, and felt my underpants riding up my bottom, I remembered what Miranda said to me in the classroom while we were gluing the black buttons on our snowmen. Was it true? Did Daddy really put his penis into Mommy's vagina to help me get born? All over New York, I suddenly realized, there were penises, and vaginas, going into each other and making babies. I couldn't help but wonder: was it also true what Charlotte had said, that I had to come out of my Mommy's vagina to get born? Were vaginas the new tube-slides? Later that day I took Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha into the second-grade room and showed them my vagina. It made me think: at the end of the day, there's nothing more important than your three best friends.

Excerpt from the episode of Sex and the City where Carrie sleeps with Outsider Artist Henry Darger

CARRIE: [VOICE-OVER] As I sat in the taxi driving home, I couldn't help wondering: Was Miranda right? Did Henry Darger put penises on the little girls he drew because he was a pervert? Or was it because he had been placed in a home for Feeble-Minded Children when he was young, and never learned the difference between the sexes? And in any case, why did they make me so horny? Meanwhile, across town, Charlotte was experiencing her own journey into the Realms of the Unreal--when an evil anti-Christian Glandilinean beast with wings tied her to a cross--and she did what women everywhere have done from time to time--she faked a very UN-real orgasm.