I Don’t Know How to Use Microsoft Excel

There I said it. And I’m going to take it off my resume, too. Because ever since I put it on there people have been up in my grill about making spreadsheets. And I don’t know how. You know why? Because I forgot. And you know else why? Because I would rather eat a plank then make a spreadsheet. Especially in some antiseptically cold office where you have to use a little swipey card to get in and out of the glass doors. Thanks but no thanks. The other day my mom told me I didn’t have the strongest work ethic she’d ever seen, and that when it came to marketable skills, I wasn’t exactly scalping the competition. At the time, I became very indignant and almost splashed the juice I was drinking. But I have to say, where Excel is concerned, her assessment has the distinct aroma of truth. Microsoft Word, however, is a whole other story. Me and Microsoft Word are like two creepily intense ballroom dance partners. We’ve got the moves. And everything I write is an elegant foxtrot of word processing. When I tried to explain this to my mom, she didn’t seem that psyched about it. Don’t ask me why. I guess, once again, the old proverb proves true: sometimes parents just don’t understand.