Tuesday, May 10, 2005

How To Psychologically Destroy The Competition At Your MFA Program

Arrange for 1-800-FLOWERS to send you a dozen white roses in the middle of the class with a card signed "With Love From The Dean". Then as you shyly caress them mention that white is the color of genius.

Buy a copy of Grimm's Fairy Tales, an anthology of Greek Myths, and print out some African slave tales from the Internet. Then bring them all into class and say, "These stories are not up for grabs, I am in the midst of adapting them all."

Lift weights while other people read their work aloud. During the really sad parts, stand up and do some poses where you stand with your back to the group and squeeze your buttcheeks really tight while flexing your arms.

Whenever someone brings in some new work that hasn't really had a chance to breathe or find its feet yet, say something like, "Um, I think I saw this movie ... yeah, wasn't it called KINDERGARTEN COP!?!?" Or, alternatively and perhaps more brutally, just cough "*PLAGIARISM*" loudly, yet under your breath.

Never laugh at any of their jokes. Instead, look as austere as possible. Try to look like a statue the Library of Congress will mount of you when you are dead and incredibly famous. Or, wise and amused, like the black-and-white image of you that will be printed on Barnes and Noble tote bags in the future.


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