Friday, June 03, 2005

The Special Features of Your New Bike

Easy rolling wheels. Dual handlebar system. Sturdy alloy frame. Breaks real (not sketched). Swivel kickstand. Can be worn with helmet. Complies with basic laws of gravity. Arizona seal of approval. Free pamphlet included. Persists through time. Convenient Leanability. Does not require gasoline. Will not coerce you to have an abortion. Very mobile. These are just some of the special features that come with this bike. It’s the Huffy X2 Street Styler and it can be your for just 20 monthly payments of 20 dollars. We call it our 20/20 plan. This bike is pretty much great for anything – coasting, cruising, gliding, careening. It can handle pretty much any terrain, from the smooth suburban street to the broken glass and plastic shards of a deserted colonial planet. It’s the Flexi-Tred that does it. It’s very flexible. The wheels keep a firm, non-skid grip and are made from a special rubber plastic polymer that doesn’t leave a trace behind it. It’s eco-friendly. It doesn’t bother nature. Conceivably, you could zap yourself into the size of a beetle and then ride this bike down the slope of a babies back and the baby wouldn’t even know you were there. And if it did, it would probably just keep lolling around like a fucking freeloader.


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