Things To Do When You Realize That This Whole Time Jesus Was Carrying You and Those Footprints in the Sand Were His

Have your tongue roll out of your mouth and hit the ground like a cartoon, and then have your head pop off and confetti spew out of your neck.
Print out a million crappy pamphlets about it using an “elegant” font.
Realize that Jesus must really like the movie Kangaroo Jack because he carried you to see it so many times.
Start dressing really boring – wear outfits cultivated from a wardrobe of “basics” from Old Navy and Wal-Mart.
Subtly maneuver government policy to the exclusion of women, gays, and minorities.
Affect an expression of maddening piety whenever anyone tries to talk to you about anything.
Heavy pet yourself.
Shift uncomfortably when you realize that you still have to live in a charmless apartment complex next to the highway and go to your shit job at the mortgage firm tomorrow.