My Actual Conversation, More or Less, With Metro-North Train Conductor on Christmas Eve

"I'm sorry, sir - I have to buy my ticket on the train."

"OHHHH! Oh, you're a BAD girl, aren't you?!?! Ha ha! Where you going today, you bad girl?"

"I'm going to Pawling."

"Pawling, huh? Well! Hoo-boy! That'll be ninety-five thousand dollars! Ha ha!"

"Ha ha."

"Ninety-five thousand dollars, please!"

"Um - how much is it?"

"Ha ha! Ninety-five thousand dollars, for the bad, bad girl who didn't buy her ticket at the station! Running late, were ya? Didn't realize there'd be such long lines on a holiday weekend? Day before Christmas, if I'm not mistaken! Didn't think about that ahead of time, didja, you naughty chickenhead! Ha ha! You slut! You ho bag! You sexy little amateur porn star! Oh, this situation is so hilarious! Why don't you pay me twenty bucks and give me a blow job and we'll call it a merry Christmas! Ha ha! Oh, I love my job! Whoo-whoo!"