Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Neytiri's Blog: Skin Care

Kaltxì. Ngaru lu fpom srak? Oh - I'm sorry! I totally forgot that the readers of this blog are on Earth, not Pandora. (By the way, did you know that my planet was named after the website where you can create your own radio station? I just found this out when I sexually bonded with the Tree of Knowledge the other day and heard the voice of my god Eywa say, check out this website, it's actually the origin of your ancestors and your homeland and all the holy energy that creates you! So I logged on immediately and speaking of creation, I created a Sean Paul station because I love dance hall!) Anyway, the subject of my blog post today is something dear to the hearts of all female humanoids, and that is, skin care. Eywa has blessed us with this gorgeous shiny cat-like fish-like kinda-striped and kinda-sparkly epidermis, so how are WE gonna protect it? You have to see skin care as being like a war: you and your skin are the innocent, indigenous people, and the light from our multi-solar system is like the crass, rape-y American Military of the Future, determined to destroy your natural beauty. So obviously you already know the range of organic products available on our planet that can help keep you looking radiantly bioluminescent: hometree juice, thanator seed, glow-in-the-dark banana blossoms, the list goes on and on. But what you DIDN'T know is that there's something you can do that's even more effective than using all these extraneous materials - something you can do with your very own Na'vi body. The power is within YOU, right now, right here, to add that special shiny blue glow to your exterior layer. I'm talking, of course, about masturbation. And not just any kind of masturbation - I mean the kind of mind-blowing frond-sucking yet uber-casual masturbation that is achieved just by spending the day riding around on the plasticky back of your own ... Banshee. Yes! Banshees are not just for transportation anymore! The next time you hop on the back of your specially bonded flying dinosaur horse creature, I want to you hold on extra tight. And kind of rock yourself back and forth a little. MAKE THE BOND. And I promise you, on the underwater graves of all the dead Na'vi, you WILL see a difference. You'll look younger, fresher, blue-er, and more creepily racialized in no time! Beauty comes from within... Skxawng!

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