Monday, November 02, 2009

Dating Do’s and Don’t’s For Dead People

Is it possible to find true love after you are dead? The answer is yes, as long as you follow these few simple rules for dating beyond the grave.

Rule #1: Make Eye Contact

It’s hard to follow this rule when you’re alive, and it’s even harder when you’re dead. Probably your eyeballs were long ago eaten by worms, and what you have now are more like empty black sockets. Still, the best way to let another corpse know that you’re interested is to kind of prop up your bones so your skeletal frame is facing his, and angle those creepy peepers so they’re boring uncannily into his. And let the cold winds of post-mortem lust blow eerily between you!

Rule #2: Conversation

A couple obvious conversational starters: How did you die? How long have you been dead? Where are you buried, or were you cremated, or did you have a ritualistic Tibetan sky burial where they laid you out on a mountaintop and the vultures came and ate your flesh and entrails? Do you like being dead? Are you haunting anyone? What do you miss most about life? If you could meet one historical figure, who would it be – and have you actually met them yet, because if not maybe I know them and I could introduce you at one of our mixers.

Rule #3: You Can’t Hurry Love

One great thing about being dead is, you got nothing but time. So don’t rush it. Wait for that special stinking rotting someone to come along, and then enjoy the leisurely pleasures of an eternal flirtation. Your baby-making years are over. So are your heart-beating years. So are your walking around and breathing and hot-tubbing years. It’s all over now. So no stress. Don’t sweat the small stuff (you can’t sweat anymore anyway). Just do what you’re doing anyway: lie there disintegrating into dust. Who knows – maybe that’s all you were ever doing in the first place. And if someone wants to do that with you, well okay – just remember, old bones can be brittle, so watch out with the hand jobs.


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