Friday, July 23, 2010

A Turn Towards Health

On this, the twenty-third day of July in the year two thousand and ten, I declare to you, o internet, that I intend to take A TURN TOWARDS HEALTH!

Here are some of my exciting new health goals!

- No more chewing tobacco, a.k.a. "dip."
- When I want a midnight snack, I will run to the kitchen to get it, not just lie there staring at the ceiling for another 20 minutes even though I'm not only starving, I also have to pee!
- Every day I will say to myself - nay, SHOUT to myself, the following affirmation: A TURN TOWARDS HEALTH! A TURN TOWARDS HEALTH! LET THE RIGHT ONE IN! (The last sentence is also the name of a Swedish vampire movie!)
- Whenever I see a health- or exercise-related product for sale, I will BUY IT! Today I already bought: two kinds of water containers, a bag of dried kale, and an number of bouncy balls that range in size!
- I will create a wall-collage of models and actresses who can inspire and intimidate me through their good looks to revolve ever further into my SPIRAL OF HEALTH! People who are definitely going on the wall: what's her face from Gossip Girl; what's-her-butt (that British one?); and half of Angelina Jolie (I can only handle half, she's such a goddess! Did you know she sleeps in a huge bed with Brad and all her kids? Dear god, I want a baby... and a man!!!!)
- I will cut down the number of times I watch Nutty Professor to a reasonable amount per day.
- I will never eat another bag of Doritos (psych yeah right!)
- I will try to do a split.
- I will try to find out more about how to get an arranged marriage. (This is more of a side note.)
- I will change my AOL screen name to li'l_miss_health_nut_69 instead of what it is now (fatty3000_bonerjam)

Phew! Now that I've set all these health goals for myself, I deserve a small reward! One chicken nugget ought to do the trick - now let me just smash a hundred chicken nuggets together so they equal "one" big-ass nugget!

HEALTH!!!

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

- remind myself every day that my body is beautiful except for the parts I don't like because they aren't.
- shoop more doops
- Mountain Dew? More like Mountain DON'T!!!
- balance my black bile and phlegmatic humors
- inspiration: watch The Biggest Loser BUT WITHOUT spontaneously masturbating whenever Jillian Michaels screams at people. (Use that energy for jumping jacks instead! also other hobbies.)
- tighten ONE wheel on EACH rollerblade so that it no longer moves: More Friction = MORE EFFORT! Fall down and then DO A PUSH UP!!! Also rollerblade off a park bench and rollerjump over small-sized objects.
- make a list of small-sized objects to film myself jumping over (note: dogs, benches... the camera itself?!?! (note: buy a short-focus fisheye lens))
- buy rollerblades
- LARP in heavier-grade chainmail
- also by "Mountain Don't" I meant it like, "Don't drink any more Mountain Dew." Just so you know that mountains are still okay.
- expalliarmus that churro lol!!! ;)

July 30, 2010 at 9:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

- kegels.

August 2, 2010 at 6:48 AM  

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